Hello there, fellow idiots! Long time no see!
Today, I feel like expressing my inner hatred for a certain video game, all the while telling you how much I absolutely adore this very same game.
You see, me and TF2 go back to well before games even existed. I was just a guppy swimming through a seemingly endless ocean of tears, when out of the blue, a tiny valve appeared!
And, by tiny, I’m talking microscopic. This valve, oddly positioned on the back of a random guys head, began to open an invisible faucet, and roughly ten years later, Team Fortress 2 dripped out of the endless abyss.
Eventually, I myself dripped out of this very same faucet, and into the broken as fuck video game called Team Fortress 2.
“Broken as fuck” my readers repeat. “How the fucking fuck can it be broken as fuck, you dumb fuck?!?” they’d yell.
Well, that’s simple. You see, I was one of the unfortunate few to experience Team Fortress 2 in a metallic orange box, and I played it on the much larger black box called the PlayStation 3.
Let me tell you, TF2 on the consoles was one of the absolute worst experiences you can ever imagine, and it greatly shows just how horrible Valve, as a development company, is. That game had so many glitches and exploits, some people just assumed it was a part of the intended experience. Like a hidden feature, or something.
Well, I decided to take advantage of Valve’s handy work, and became a very experienced ‘glitcher’. I was even dubbed ‘glitch king’ by my fellow idiotic peers, and gained hundreds of subscribers on my YouTube channel for releasing glitch tutorials. I even found a glitch that allowed you to become invisible and nearly invincible as a sniper. So, you could say, I was one hell of a cheater, and you can thank Valve and their severe lack of coding skill/capabilities for my act of glitchin’.
However, I had fun. I enjoyed being able to go outside of the normal playing field. To stretch the rules, and sometimes rewrite the rules entirely. I never cheated to gain myself an advantage over other players, but rather, I did so helpingly. I provided my team with teleporters so they could go well outside of literally any map, and even had a full-on battle in the sky on what is known as ctf_2fort on the PC, but simply ‘2fort’ on the consoles.
I felt like a God, and loved every minute of it.
Then, I bought a computer. The computer was absolutely horrible, and couldn’t do much in terms of gaming. However, it could somehow manage to play TF2 at 30 FPS on medium settings, and so, with that computer, I bought Team Fortress 2 and Garry’s Mod as a combo-package. This was way back in 2008, when I was still a PC virgin.
Man, I adored TF2, and the PC version was no different. I loved how most of the maps I loved on the consoles were somewhat fixed on the PC, and how some of the exploits were fixed as well. It was hardly perfect, but was certainly an amazing experience, and I was more than willing to wait until Valve ‘fixed’ the video game for which I so epicly loved.
Then, in 2009, I started up my own semi-successful gaming community, and even began to host a TF2 server, which is still online to this day.
However, the time when I loved TF2 was slowly fading, and my endless rage with the constant crashes, performance issues, and otherwise broken gameplay began to catch up. I couldn’t play the game I so loved, because the game I so loved didn’t love me back. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that TF2 fucking hated me. This, of course, sparked a hate parade, one for which I lost countless friends over. Hell, I even managed to get a few thousand views on my ‘petition’ to get Valve to update TF2 on the consoles. My PC petition went nowhere, which only further aided my raging fire. The failure of my PC petition, and the behaviour of Steam users angered me, and even to this day, I hold a personal vendetta against a large number of users, for you see, the Team Fortress 2 community, while amazing at times, can be rather ignorant of the truths that lie before them.
“What truths?” the typical Steam user may ask. “What truths do you speak of, oh mighty Ty?” I would always rephrase.
The truths are simple, you see. Steam is an unreliable platform, with a downtime occurring every week. Valve is an unprofessional company that can’t keep with their release windows (when the community creates a separate time zone for a company, it’s never a good sign), and Team Fortress 2 is, although extremely fun and creative, poorly designed, buggy, and optimized poorly on high-end systems. (i7 processor, GTX 580 graphics card and 12 GBs of RAM should be capable of getting more than 45 fps during a decent 24 player match, but TF2 disagrees with that logic)
So, do I love Team Fortress 2? Yes, but I also hate it.
It really just depends on the day. There are many things I love, but when the game decides to fuck me over with a magical crash, or when a fat fuck (aka Heavy) constantly throws his Sandvich at the other team, acting as a sort of retarded medic…. well, that’s when I rage. I can’t handle that kind of stupidity. That kind of nonsense.
So, to conclude. If you are a fat fuck that enjoys doing stupid things that in no way whatsoever help your team, you deserve to fucking die. Go back to Call Of Duty, and leave Team Fortress 2 alone.
However, it’s the nice, calm and team-focused players that keep me coming back. It’s these guys that make up the community. If you are this type of player, I salute you. You’re fun to play with or against, and you’re not a big twat that enjoys trolling. That alone is a huge compliment.
I just wish Steam had more people like you, rather than all of these idiots that enjoy trolling 4 teh lulz. I mean, come on! Go to bed, you fucking kids! And if you’re actually a grown adult, you’re a pathetic waste of space.
That is all.